A heart's demise

     A hearts demise is caused by the same thing that can make it flourish....... love.

     Love is a dream, a reality for some. A myriad of changes come to those lucky enough to bask in it's warmth. As fondness sprouts and blossoms, the brightly colored streamers of romance wrap around the heart, bringing light to the darkness of loneliness. The tendrils then spread to bring laughter, friendship, comfort, and a deep abiding love for another person. As time passes, mere thoughts of the one you love can make you smile and memories of your time together can change your whole outlook. This person you care for so much becomes your reason for being, your everything. There's never a moment they aren't in your mind and heart. It's a heady feeling, this emotion they call love. There's truly nothing else like it in the world. And then, the ugly truth comes to light. What if the love you thought was returned wasn't real? What if the one you cherish above all others is untrue and dishonest? What if you find that it was all completely different than you thought. Suddenly, the wonderful flame of love turns to ashes. The burning embers simmer into a deep sense of betrayal and anger at such harsh treatment of the fragile heart you entrusted to another. Betrayal brings bitterness. Bitterness becomes hate. The love you shared shatters in a million pieces taking with it the capability to experience happiness in all but the smallest doses. Emotions ride high in utter chaos as the mind struggles to put things into a new perspective. The wounded heart still yearns for the one that meant so much but it begins to die a slow death as the mind struggles with the pain. Memories bombard you when you least want them and every small thing reminds you of the one you're trying to forget. Those that are truly lucky will eventually obtain a level of indifference. Others will cling to hate in an effort of self preservation. Then there are those, like me, that will forever be haunted by  loss of the beautiful and magical love and all that could have been. The potential of the love you once had becomes a permanent ghost that will haunt your heart and dreams until the last breath leaves you. You may go on in life to have other loves and other dreams but the ghost of love lost will always remain.

Running in place

Have you ever felt as if you were standing on a sidewalk, your shoes cemented in place, watching as life passes you by? That's where I am and have always been. The cars passing me are the individuals that enter my life and eventually exit it, never looking back. I have had so many wonderful people enter my life over the years and I have watched each of them as their dreams and responsibilities sweep them right out of it again. Every single one of them promised to stay in touch. Every single one of them disappeared from contact completely within months. I don't blame them for leaving me behind. After all, life is a formidable force that takes great effort to withstand. How could I be angry with these special people for merely following the paths that will take them to happiness? The sadness comes in where I am forever destined to watch these beautiful, caring, exceptional people as they move on, leaving me with lasting memories and loneliness. I spend hours every day thinking of those that have come and gone, wishing them well and wondering where they are now. Other times I wonder....when will it be my turn to move on? Will I ever be the one who leaves others behind or am I bound to this loneliness until I die? I struggle every single day as the beast inside of me wrestles for freedom. I want to be the one pursuing my dreams. I want to be the one who goes on to something bigger and better. I want to finally be the one with something exciting to look forward to. I want to throw off my moorings and run as fast as I can toward the dreams and goals I have laid down for myself. But I will do none of this. Life has a firm grip on me and my responsibilities keep me securely grounded in reality. There are no dreams for me at this point. The only way I can cope without losing what's left of my sanity is to appreciate those individuals passing through my life while they are there, knowing that their stay is only temporary. It feels sort of like running in place as I try to stay active in life while still chained firmly in my spot, unable to progress no matter how deep the desire. Maybe one day my chance will come to move on. The only question is...will I take it or will I choose to remain out of fear and uncertainty? No one can know until the day it happens. I hope that I will have the courage to choose freedom but I also know well the power of nostalgia and loyalty. Either way, I hope that I can fulfill my role in this life and learn the lessons I am here to be taught. Without that, this life would be meaningless and incomplete.