A heart's demise

     A hearts demise is caused by the same thing that can make it flourish....... love.

     Love is a dream, a reality for some. A myriad of changes come to those lucky enough to bask in it's warmth. As fondness sprouts and blossoms, the brightly colored streamers of romance wrap around the heart, bringing light to the darkness of loneliness. The tendrils then spread to bring laughter, friendship, comfort, and a deep abiding love for another person. As time passes, mere thoughts of the one you love can make you smile and memories of your time together can change your whole outlook. This person you care for so much becomes your reason for being, your everything. There's never a moment they aren't in your mind and heart. It's a heady feeling, this emotion they call love. There's truly nothing else like it in the world. And then, the ugly truth comes to light. What if the love you thought was returned wasn't real? What if the one you cherish above all others is untrue and dishonest? What if you find that it was all completely different than you thought. Suddenly, the wonderful flame of love turns to ashes. The burning embers simmer into a deep sense of betrayal and anger at such harsh treatment of the fragile heart you entrusted to another. Betrayal brings bitterness. Bitterness becomes hate. The love you shared shatters in a million pieces taking with it the capability to experience happiness in all but the smallest doses. Emotions ride high in utter chaos as the mind struggles to put things into a new perspective. The wounded heart still yearns for the one that meant so much but it begins to die a slow death as the mind struggles with the pain. Memories bombard you when you least want them and every small thing reminds you of the one you're trying to forget. Those that are truly lucky will eventually obtain a level of indifference. Others will cling to hate in an effort of self preservation. Then there are those, like me, that will forever be haunted by  loss of the beautiful and magical love and all that could have been. The potential of the love you once had becomes a permanent ghost that will haunt your heart and dreams until the last breath leaves you. You may go on in life to have other loves and other dreams but the ghost of love lost will always remain.

Running in place

Have you ever felt as if you were standing on a sidewalk, your shoes cemented in place, watching as life passes you by? That's where I am and have always been. The cars passing me are the individuals that enter my life and eventually exit it, never looking back. I have had so many wonderful people enter my life over the years and I have watched each of them as their dreams and responsibilities sweep them right out of it again. Every single one of them promised to stay in touch. Every single one of them disappeared from contact completely within months. I don't blame them for leaving me behind. After all, life is a formidable force that takes great effort to withstand. How could I be angry with these special people for merely following the paths that will take them to happiness? The sadness comes in where I am forever destined to watch these beautiful, caring, exceptional people as they move on, leaving me with lasting memories and loneliness. I spend hours every day thinking of those that have come and gone, wishing them well and wondering where they are now. Other times I wonder....when will it be my turn to move on? Will I ever be the one who leaves others behind or am I bound to this loneliness until I die? I struggle every single day as the beast inside of me wrestles for freedom. I want to be the one pursuing my dreams. I want to be the one who goes on to something bigger and better. I want to finally be the one with something exciting to look forward to. I want to throw off my moorings and run as fast as I can toward the dreams and goals I have laid down for myself. But I will do none of this. Life has a firm grip on me and my responsibilities keep me securely grounded in reality. There are no dreams for me at this point. The only way I can cope without losing what's left of my sanity is to appreciate those individuals passing through my life while they are there, knowing that their stay is only temporary. It feels sort of like running in place as I try to stay active in life while still chained firmly in my spot, unable to progress no matter how deep the desire. Maybe one day my chance will come to move on. The only question is...will I take it or will I choose to remain out of fear and uncertainty? No one can know until the day it happens. I hope that I will have the courage to choose freedom but I also know well the power of nostalgia and loyalty. Either way, I hope that I can fulfill my role in this life and learn the lessons I am here to be taught. Without that, this life would be meaningless and incomplete.

Enough's enough.

     When do you really know when enough is enough? I am at a point in my life where I don't know whether to keep pushing through all the adversity or just step back from it all. I feel like I am expected to meet everyone's perception of perfection, yet that's not possible. I am not a quitter and I don't want to be viewed as one, yet I don't want to have to deal with the lethal dose of bullsh*t I am being exposed to on a regular basis. By taking that step back, I will be giving those against me their victory, yet I will have the perk of maintaining my sanity. I will probably still be exposed to the bullsh*t, but will have the privilege of letting it roll off my back. I am currently without that privilege at this point and I have to say that sifting through it all is among the most distasteful activities I have ever had to participate in. With the amount of things I have going on in my life at this time, I don't need any more stress added to the pile. Then again, do I want to have to despise myself for backing down and quitting? Do I want to regret having the chance to excel in my hands and tossing it away? Do I really want to take the easy road? And will the easy road truly be easy? I don't have the answers to these questions although now is when I need them most. Save for my children, I have never wanted to hold others responsible for their actions. It's simply not a part of who I am. I have always been more of a loner with the occasional need for interaction with others and I like it that way. Why, now, do I have to rely so much on what others perceive me to be? Why should perception be more valuable than truth? Again, no answers are forthcoming. I don't know what the near future holds for me but I am hoping that, whatever decision is made, I can be at peace with it.

On a more personal note

So far, my postings, while meaningful to me, are still general and lacking much personal information such as opinions and feelings. This time, I think I will take it to a place closer to my heart. I have long been a person that feels as if I was born in the wrong time. I feel like an old soul that has been placed in a time where the confusion and chaos rule supreme and keep me from achieving my true potential. I am sure this sounds crazy to most of you, but I feel there are some of you that will understand what I am talking about. What brought all of this on? I submitted myself to a little bit of self-indulgent sappiness this evening. I watched one of my all-time favorite movies, Little Women. You know, the one with Susan Sarandon and the crew. Well, every single time I watch that movie (which is not often) I find myself longing to be in a different time and place, a different lifestyle so to speak. I long for the closeness of having sisters and friends. I dream of being the kind of mother that Marmieelse's house blocking my view. I want to feel free to do whatever I choose with the home I live in. I want to own a horse someday, to ride with the wind and feel free of the trappings of modern day living. Will any of these things ever happen? I don't know. Maybe not, but I can still hold out hope. But here's a hypothetical question.....if time travel was possible and you could choose what time period you could go to....where would you go? I like so many times and places in history, I think I would have a hard time choosing. Would you take anyone with you or would you go alone and start all over again, fresh and in a different place? There are so many questions, I could spend all night listing them. It is truly an intriguing idea. How many people would jump at the chance to go back in time to escape this modern day chaos? I know I would.

Midlife Crisis

     Is there really such a thing as a midlife crisis? If so, when does it happen? Is there an age range? Are there guidelines that determine whether a life-upheaval is a midlife crisis or simply a difficult time in life? Are there precipitating factors that can tip us off to an impending midlife crisis or is it always a sudden uprising in a person's daily activities? So many questions arise when discussing a "midlife crisis". Some people doubt that midlife crises are true occurrances. Some feel that the available excuse of a midlife crisis is the perfect way to resolve their guilt and avoid answering the tough questions that their actions evoke. I have a different theory in mind.
     There are various detailed reasons for people to have such drastic and life-altering changes in their daily lives. I feel the main reason is that people realize their mortality and acknowledge the temporary nature of their existence. Given this occurrance, it is easy to see why so many people leave the old and familiar for something new and exciting. Buy a new car, something fast and sporty. Break a relationship with your wife or long-term girlfriend just to date a  younger, more exciting woman. Change your career. Change your style. Form new habits and break old ones. Develop a new skill. Take a chance learning something you've always wanted to try. Try to fulfill the dreams, however unrealistic they may be, that you have carried around for years because you felt unable to reach for them. While all of these things may seem to be the thing to do at the moment, they are rarely fulfilling and often leave the person floundering in despair at the loss of all that was once theirs.
     Another possible reason for midlife crises lies in the slower or halted psychological development of people. Women notoriously mature faster than men causing a predictable unhappiness in the relationship when the man refuses to grow up. Some of us began our formative years restricted from the usual activities that help define who we truly are inside. The vicious cycle starts when we don't know ourselves and we are kept from discovery by everyday life such as jobs, family, marriage, kids, education, and stress. Once most of us escape the restrictions mentioned, we are then able to discover the person we are and want to be. Often that person is not who we have been up to that point. This causes disention in the relationships we have formed over the years, leading to a strain or break in the relationship.
     So, what happens when those of us who walked through life as strangers to ourselves finally discover who we are? Well, we start to realize the things that make us happy. We begin to decide where life should lead us. The goals that for so long seemed out of reach become attainable. The feelings we held inside so long burst through and we begin to take our own needs and wants seriously. We gravitate towards the things that make us happy. We free our minds of the societal and moral restrictions and realize that the way you live your life is only in your own hands. No one else can decide for you. No one can force you to conform. For some people, this is a dangerous state of mind as all behavior, no matter how questionable it is, is condoned by your internal voice.
     While this uproar is confusing to the person it's happening to, their confusion is nothing next to that of their loved ones and friends. They can't truly understand the trails that midlife crisis can cause. Facing your mortality is a difficult experience for anyone but when that is combined with the change in personality, desires, and goals, it becomes the giant pink elephant in the room. No one will offically notice the elephant but everyone knows it's there. Taking the stand to support your loved one in what they are going through and making every effort to help them achieve happiness is an important step in maintaining relationships. The process won't be easy but by working hard to keep an open mind and give your loved one the space they need can help keep the situation from getting to the breaking point.
     It's never an easy thing to deal with when midlife crisis strikes in your home. There are no financial, age or educational predictors. It can occur to anyone of any age, background or lifestyle. Some of us will succeed in preventing the crisis from taking over and some of us will fail. It's very important to realize that midlife crises  are not the fault of any one person. Most often there can be no blame placed. An open, nonjudgemental atmosphere can blunt some of the more damaging aspect of dealing with the upheaval of a midlife crisis and facilitate a return to the balance of relationship. Will it ever be the same as it was? Probably not. It will be different but the way each participant handles it can decided whether it is a good change or a bad one.

Moving on....

     As the old song said, breaking up is hard to do. Well, so is letting go. letting go of anger, sadness and hate. Letting go of unhealthy relationships and unreal expectations. Of failures and trials, unachievable dreams and unexpected betrayals. all of the things, and more, can cause untold stress and anxiety for those that hold on to them with a surprising tenacity.
     With life rolling by at such a breakneck pace, human tendency to stick with what is familiar is sometimes the one thing that prevents true personal progress. Staying in destructive relationships, fear of moving to a new job, trying to maintain a draining friendship and the lack of self-confidence to aim for higher goals can cause stagnation in even the youngest person.
     Destructive relationships can tear at a person's self-esteem, confidence and a sense of well being. These relationships can be marital, friendships, familial or even business related. It is not uncommon for abuse (physical, mental or emotional) to occur in these relationships. The issue could simply be that one person is a user and abuses the good intentions of the other. Often there is a lack of true affection when such abuse is present. The words "I love you" don't always mean the same to every person. The old line "You only call me when you need something" has turned out to be correct more often than not. Fear of the unknown or of being alone tends to keep people from seeking alternatives for happiness. Sometimes, a person has to reach a true breaking point before escaping such destructive treatment. Once that has happened, it is common for them to find that their fear was unreasonable and that they are in truth much happier than ever expected. This is when they take the time to truly enjoy life and all of the opportunities available to them.
     Fear of moving to a new job can hold people back, especially when they have lost the enjoyment necessary to make their job rewarding. As is happens, there are a lot of talented and intelligent people in the world working at tedious, mundane jobs in which there is only dread when faced with another workday. Stagnation of creativity and drive for success only leads to personal issues like decreased self-esteem and depression. Every single person should have a period of self-reflection and determine what their true dreams for a career are. Then they should not hesitate to take steps in that direction. Taking college classes towards the degree of your choice or even learning a new trade can help you feel useful again. Sometimes, just the effort to make the change can alleviate any feelings of hopelessness such unhappiness breeds.
     Draining friendships are those that often cause one participant inexcusable angst. These are the friendships where one person is completely dependent on the other for even the simplest challenges. Closeness in a friendship is integral to a good relationship but sometimes that closeness becomes clinginess. Of course, the opposite is also true. Sometimes, the issue of breached trust becomes an issue. Without trust, the friendship crumbles and both participants are left with feelings of anger, betrayal and, often, hate. Any of these emotions are destructive in themselves. Every opportunity should be taken to validate your friendships and determine if they are true, or if they are possibly draining your happiness away.
     Lastly, self-confidence should be a given in every person's life. Embrace yourself as you are, acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses and proceed in ways to empower yourself. Take the chance to grasp your dreams, given that they are realistic, and believe in your ability to reach them. Don't let others tear you down or cause you to doubt yourself. you are the only person who knows the real you inside. Keep your head held high and take each step at a time. Just imagine how you will feel when you have climbed the mountain and you stand victorious at the top.
     Moving on from any of these situations is integral to leading a happy life. Letting go of the barriers that keep you from doing so is very difficult. it may mean saying goodbye to someone you love, leaving friends and coworkers behind in your pursuit of new experiences, or even taking a deep look into yourself to determine who you really are inside. All of these things can take time, but once you have the barriers lifted and a clear vision of the future you desire, you will be able to see each step necessary to reach your goals. Along the way, you can build new, healthy relationships with people that will only build you up and encourage your growth. This can provide all the support and guidance you will ever need. So keep on moving on.......before you know it, your dreams can come true.

Perfectly Imperfect

     Ahhh....Perfection. The pipe dream of life. Imagine.....life in the job of your dreams with the handsome, successful spouse who worships the ground you walk on, the 2.3 kids that clean up after themselves, follow directions, and always take your advice. You are touted as the most beautiful person, inside and out. You have a dog that fetches the paper and never has accidents in the house. The car you have always wanted in your favorite color. The beach house, as well as the mountain chalet that you vacation at twice a year. You have plenty of money in the bank and finances are not a worry. You are set for retirement even though you are still young and your kids already have the funding for college. You have the perfect life full of laughter and love, freedom and excitement, friendship and family. Sounds good, doesn't it? Too bad that most of us will never come close to living the dream. Now the reality....
     Imperfection is a staple of daily life. It is a part of every person's experiences. Our imperfections make us who we are, individuals among the masses. Often, we fight to deny our imperfections in an attempt to reach the lofty goals set for us by society in general. According to the currently trending social norms, a person is not worthy until they are beautiful, rich, and intelligent. Those of us that don't fit into that mold are sometimes considered beneath notice. Imperfections can lead to disturbing and often debilitating emotional issues. Being hyperaware of your imperfections can end up in low self-esteem and depression. Inability to distinguish between the glamorized and often enhanced beauty of the Hollywood crowd and real life can be detrimental to a young girls developing self-image. You are made to feel inferior, unable to determine your own self-worth. Starting at an early age, children are held to a high standard for appearances. To fit in and be popular, you must have the newest brand name clothes, the state of the art technology, the freedom from parental constraints. Young girls are not considered beautiful unless they are thin yet curvy, with long hair and perfect skin. Young men are expected to be muscled and athletic, with the attitude of tolerance rather than compliance. As the years progress, the social pressures change slightly, but remain a prominent influence in development. Inability to make peace with our perceived imperfections can lead to depression and the likelihood of further mental instabilities.
     Behavioral issues can include such things as eating disorders, destructive tendencies, and outrageousness in interactions with acquaintances and friends. People that are plagued by their imperfections seek attention from other in order to appease the need for recognition. This can lead to undesirable activities like drinking, doing drugs, and illicit behaviors. As the behaviors continue, the craving for attention increases causing escalation in activities. It is a vicious cycle in that the more attention a person gets, the more they crave. Soon, not only does the pressure of society cause low self-esteem, but the person's own disgust at behaviors that they realize are unwarranted, but that they are unable to stop. Most of the time, a person is aware of their short-comings and the need for change but the steps to take are unclear. This is where an intervention of sorts is needed.
     In most cases, the help needed to correct issues caused by imperfection is simply to help the person become comfortable in their own skin. The imperfections should be presented as uniqueness instead of short-comings. It should be emphasized that imperfections can help define you rather than destroy you. By helping the person to be the best they can be physically, emotionally and behaviorally, you can help to turn the tide of despair into hope for the future. The attention seeking behaviors will reduce in frequency as the person begins to realize that attention they desire is most valuable when it comes from within. When looking in the mirror, a person should see and accept their imperfections as part of who they are and be able to love themselves, flaws and all. A person should remember that mistakes are going to happen in life and that they are unavoidable. Lessons learned from mistakes can sometimes be the strongest of them all. Letting go of the past, dealing with mistakes, and taking the lessons learned to heart can go a long way to improving your self-esteem. By embracing and accepting imperfections, life can be closer to the dream than thought possible. Life can truly be enjoyed living as one of the perfectly imperfect.